Common Tragedies

Thoughts on Environmental Economics

Confidential Memo Intercepted by Common Tragedies

Posted by Andrew Stevenson on August 13, 2009

CT has just intercepted this confidential memo….

From: The Patriot Freedom America Puppies Alaska Coalition (PFAPAC)

To: Grassroots Conservative activists

First, I want to thank you for your efforts so far in derailing the President’s drive to push through a government takeover of Medicare and Medicaid. I want to offer a few notes for upcoming town hall meetings on the so-called “cap-and-tax” legislation that is coming before the Senate this fall.

1) Death panels. We have been getting a lot of questions about this, and yes, the American Clean Energy, Security and Death Panel Act of 2009 does include death panels (section 1289, page 1567 of the bill). It reads, “Sometimes the tree of socialism needs to be watered with the blood of polluters”. These death panels are concentrated in Midwestern states where population reductions can achieve the greatest impact on U.S. greenhouse gas emissions reductions. They will be made up entirely of people from California, Massachusetts, and New York, because, according to the bill “they know what’s good for you”. Again according to the bill, if population in coal-using states gets too low, immigrants from China and Kenya will be allowed to replace them in a deal brokered by President Obama. Say ni hao to your new neighbors!

2) Jobs. This is one point we don’t need to worry about, because a little-known provision in the bill calls for Soviet-style “re-education” employment for those who lose their jobs or are not in compliance. These re-education camps would teach people the virtues green living, including not bathing or showering, not eating tasty animals, and generally not having any fun. “Students” will be paid handsomely in granola and tree bark, and when finished will return home to a job in a Chinese-owned wind factory. Although this is perhaps not ideal, our arguments about the bill sending jobs overseas will be more difficult with this new provision.

3) Global government. Along with the death panels, this will be one of our primary talking points to arouse fear in the American people about the ACESDPA. The bill calls for a long-term goal of an 80% reduction in greenhouse gas emissions and gross domestic product by 2050 from the United States, while China, India, and other major developing countries will be allowed to increase both their emissions and GDP by 80%. These mandates will be enforced by United Nations peacekeepers who will have the authority to come into your living room and turn off your TV after the 8th hour of the Glenn Beck marathon. Thousands of them will also be stationed in communities all across America to generally scowl and wag their fingers at people when they drive by in SUVs.

Please target your attacks on climate legislation at these provisions, which we believe are an unacceptable intrusion that goes against all that is good about this country. Although we can’t openly condone violence, we encourage everybody attending town hall meetings to exercise their 2nd amendment rights in case your well-being is endangered by radical liberal activists. Please keep dialogue rational by limiting your rants to 30 seconds or less, which is the average attention span of an American watching a youtube clip.

Thank you, and good luck,

Your friends at PFAPAC

One Response to “Confidential Memo Intercepted by Common Tragedies”

  1. Carlos Ferreira said

    You forgot the part where Alaska is depopulated to stop the extraction of oil and allow the population of bears and caribou to expand…

    Are the culture wars really getting this divisive? Can the environment challenges become the new fighting ground, after abortion and gay marriage?

    Good night and good luck, folks…

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